we will walk
with our feet
tightly glued to the ground
once the leaves begin to hold their
breath
and turn purple

whence they fall
and leave
bloodstains
on the cobblestone roads

your ragged breath
aged grapes
breathed onto me
from behind
showing me how to use
a protractor

stop trying to figure me out jensen!

jesus freak.

you released a video
with your face all over the place
one day you're sad
the next day you're glad
your undulation
of success and failure
reminds me of Jesus
too bad you're too much like him

falling and getting back up
like the tide
never getting anywhere

oh,
and the girl you banged last night
was a Jesus freak
you can love her more

When are they going to develop a vaccine for the ACN virus?
I think it's more dangerous than H1N1.

A memetic virus, thrives on finding people who have no passion in life so the attractor being wealth for no apparent cause. A sense of fulfillment gained through dangling the proverbial carrot in front of someones nose promising freedom. If one has no preoccupation of passion in life, than multi-level marketing schemes like ACN are very appropriate in creating a sense of self-worth. Religion works on a similar premise.

You have a set of principles, ideals and you set out to proselytize them because they are 'right'. It works on the classic dynamic of herd mentality. It's old. Am I the only one who believes this? Let's build cultural identity in a new way and curb these archaic forms of proselytization. The higher the membership of any social group, the greater power and wealth that can be generated. The only thing worse than a bible thumper is a bible thumper who think that his work ethic is related to directly to God. Hard work has nothing to do with your 'calling' or your personal salvation. The Calvinist's really fucked things up -- it really wasn't a brilliant idea to 'reform' something that was already deformed to begin with.

It's all based on using your herd as a crutch - creating a cultural group who can give you constant validation. Here is an idea - instead of taking the same idea of getting down on your knees to suck the dick of some metaphysical entity every sabbath, let's stop back and take a look at how human behavior manifests itself in group dynamics and realize that we just keep modifying the SAME thing through time -- we really aren't changing anything but from Abraham, to Jesus, to Mohammed, and whatever prophet comes next. Let's severe the line now.

[the cold and barren present]

she keeps her mind in the past to keep warm

wake up. [the protestant doth protest too much]

shut your protestant mouth
there is nothing from salvation
you are just a process
within a system
a system
in which you cannot control

all your beliefs are just
memetic junk
a waste bin of conscious energy

these words are not anger,
they are taken in anger
only because seeing faith for what it really is
is innately threatening for humans

just like if you ask if your ass looks big
in jeans
if someone says 'yes'
it doesn't feel good



start putting your life into your own hands
Scripture is no more real than
a cabbage patch doll
set on fire

you protestant are good
but your ideas are still that of an infant

this is giving me a giant hadron!

we are going to break into heaven soon
we are going to break in
with a collider
with all of our might

we are going to bust through
the fabric of time
and all of the souls from heaven
are going to drip out
all over the canvas
of space

Higgs
will sneak up on our Creator,
steal his dice,
and they will smoke cigars together
in the lobby

and the infinite will say and do
nothing
like it always does

roll the dice.

roll the dice...
leaving events to randomness
soothes me

can you 'instill' dice with intuitive energy to skew the end result? can we shape or bend probability? we can't measure that, so it will be left to the category of the divine. maybe our energy and thoughts can affect the behavior of quantum particles? Masaru Emoto, a Japanese author, believes we can change molecular structures by directing human thoughts and words at them.

regardless, there is something about probability that soothes me mainly because a power or natural law beyond our perceptions are responsible for the results. the palpable variables that could affect dice rolling are infinite..all the way from the sweat on someones hand, the dust on the surface upon which they land, mass and shape etc.

another idea - you can add new dimensions to probability on dice rolling simply by stating that the face up landing side is not the determining number.

how would you express prayer as a variable in a probability equation?

the muse has been fucking the dog.

ACN is a scam. Destroy the middle man.

ACN and multi-level marketing ploys are just places for failed industry tycoons to go to continue to sit on their asses and generate revenue. The way I see it, as soon as you have people reselling a service like home telephone, there is something wrong. If A is selling a product, it should be selling it directly to B the consumer not have C be the consumer and B be middle-men who leech off of residual revenue. What disturbs me the most is that these middle men will create any argument to try to convince you otherwise. They will go to any length to try to convince you that they can make your life better and improve your financial situation. If you have to dress something up to sell it, I don't think it's good enough to sell let alone resell. It's all just a bunch of bullshit that further complicates life, and people still fall for it. It amazes me. Just say no, no, no, and no. Fuck you, I will buy my telephone, internet, tv service directly from the provider..I don't need to save 10 bucks a month so that you can sit on your ass doing nothing noble to generate cash.

the web is actually a pig pen.

There is far too much overlap on the world wide web when it comes to content. For example, there are 20 websites that all carry out the same functions. Youtube, Flikr, Facebook, Myspace, Blogger, Twitter, etc. All of these forums in my opinion only clutter the internet with redundant and useless information. It really is coming to the point where knowledge is taking a beating directly from the diversity of the www. If it really is a web, there is no centre; it's just a myriad of nodes connected together in a random and chaotic fashion with no real foundation.

As an artist, I find it a personal pain in the ass to update every aspect of my web presence i.e myspace, youtube, facebook, twitter etc. People are spending too much time lost in these processes and not actually grasping the real meaning of content and knowledge. Compartmentalization is only going to be able to go so far before people will go running back to simplicity as they always do. My question is that if we know this, why do we always gravitate towards complication? Communication is a complex process, but it doesn't have to have ridiculous like updating a twitter status every time you wipe your ass.

I am wasting too much time conforming to these new communication standards, but if everyone else is doing them and you are trying to stay at the top of the heap in terms of your product "music" than you are forced to bite the bullet, suck it up and move forward. I hate the status quo, and I hate moving to the rhythm of humanity. Fuck you world that wants to bury true knowledge and simplicity in a heap of bullshit information.

Entropy. Growing with nowhere to grow.

exploring ravines
singing sympathetically in underground tunnels
producing eigentones
it's like a mirror
but for sound

this city makes my teeth smaller
grinding
from traffic, fast paced
no stopping

i nervously shift around
within this maze of skyscrapers
waiting for meaning
waiting for my life to intersect
with fate

college st
smells like an old bottle
of manischewitz tonight

so many people
dizzy
with magnified
emotion

a girls head
falls into a mans
lap on the bench
mistakenly taking
his genes into
the wrong orifice

today there was an autistic person
giving out hugs
on the corner

it was like a lemonade stand
managed by a maladjusted adult

i'm feeling dangerous.

lights are important, they allow us to see in the darkness. whether it be the darkness of the night or the metaphorical darkness that can cast a shadow over our mind and heart.

when i walk through my mental space i am placed in a white room with worn paint and dark slate outhouse colored tiled floors. this is a very plaintive landscape with little compassion for aesthetics. mirrors dominate the landscape and echos reverberate off of the walls with little to dampen their projection. the air is wet both aurally and visually. the mirrors threaten me, they amplify my sight. this room is very loud. you can hear an atom shift. my footsteps sound like gunshots.

there are three light bulbs casting light into this room. each one above a white sink with a intermittent drip. the intermittent dripping faucet echoes with one of the light bulbs flicker. it's so loud in here. the flickering light bulb is a strobe representing my self awareness. it can't keep a constant stream of light. on and off. in this plain room, this light bulb becomes the focal point -- the singularity.

this is how love works in the mind. it's only fed a broken, flickering stream. you have to find your way in a constant stream of darkness and light.

in a perfect room, we notice only what's broken -- in this case a faulty light bulb dominates our attention. if you fix the light, there is nothing left to notice.

what you can find on a street

this youngster has a rebellious face
just oozing hatred towards her
Bay St. father

she matches with that Lexus
that just drove by
here on Queen
in her American Apparel

skinny jeans
for thin expectations

glasses bigger than her face
to hide
a person
who she doesn't even know

shiny leggings
to hide your dull heart

this is how indifference and indecision manifest themselves into our society and language.

ish


reddish
saddish
happiesh

blackish
coldish
hottish

ish

fattish
thinnish
yellowish

jaundish

3ish?

Wendesday-ish

2009ish

lifeish
deathish


-

what is it? is it really anything or is it ish? off black or blackish?

diversity and specificity aren't dealt with well because, god forbid, we define anything we'd have to stick with it.

night = night
dusk = nightish

dawn - dayish
day - day

These are perfect examples of how the dialectic fails.

what did gravity affect before there was mass? it must be part and parcel with the shell that exploded trillions of years ago.

underachievement.

underachievement. we all feel it. where does it come from? laziness? fear? close mindedness? a weak will? it's a different answer for all of us. we all have to create a theoretical model for why we feel the way we do and what has lead up to it.

my own personal theory stems from a neurobiological cause. under active pre-frontal cortex. laugh all you want bastards! but it's true. my supposed solution: cocaine or cocaine light (ritalin).

i urge all of you to go seek out your neurobioligical imbalances. my friend tiffany will just say it has nothing to do with biology, it's all just energy. but energy is grounded in biological processes. energy is the founding principle of neurochemistry and synaptic communication. answer this: how does gravity affect nuerochemistry and synaptic communication? i guess it's time we bring out the nanobots!

writing for pop music makes you feel like you're running around in a front yard but writing for film is feeling like you are running through a large open field. you are still running through both, but the freedom is more evident in the field.

mental landscapes are measured by cognitive conceptual markers not physical spaces. creativity comes from the power of limitations. there is a french term called bricolage which means using what is available to you to create. I find it much easier to navigate a mental landscape when I don't have the pieces in front of me ready to go. it is interesting to leave an element of creation to the fates..chaos. This allows a sense of creating something you have no idea you are creating. You discover what you are creating during the creation itself. this is why painting by numbers makes you feel so unfulfilled -- it doesn't reveal any subconcious material.

he is harboring a jealousy
greater than their eyes can see

but not mine

i'll get him
before he can
get to me

i can feel it.

when i see her eyes
i feel safe
and filled with belief

i feel i could build myself
and patchup the leaky spots

that ooze
negativity
and temper,

all the things that contribute
to unlove

when I was a young boy
i always tried to force the square
into the circle hole

i've found the circle
that can fit into
a square

i'm about to come alive.

skeletons.

I was thinking about how a turtle would sound hollow

then I started thinking about the skeletons in my closet
how the bones all conk and clank like a wooden marimba

the skeletons in my mind are louder though

when I jump up and down
or walk really aggressively

you can hear them plunk
like a xylophone

hollow
but heavy hollow

freckle doll

freckle doll.

I used to have a freckle on my right hand
it is fading as I age

it was one good memory I had
about my family

from when I was younger

it was like that one thing you kept
inside of a trunk of collectibles

that you knew you would never part with
but it began to fade away

like the words on an old newspaper article

how i am seeing autumn.

The amount of techniques that you can employ to disrupt or break up a visual field are immense. These images have a deep resonance within me since I have viewed them in every stage of my life since I was born. They have remained the same but have changed at the same time throughout the years. Both paintings were done by a family friend of mine from Poland. The first one is akin to seeing the outside world from 'inside' a screen or a electronic device (notice the pixelation) The second one is an exploding tree. Each cell or pixel is made up from the entirety of the image itself. The shading of each cell is what creates the illusion of it being 'whole'.
These two pieces carry me to a mysterious and nostalgic place. This is what autumn is to me. [Self similarity and generation loss]

goodbye blue autumn.

It would be most ideal if people would feel my effects rather than experience me directly. The ego is removed from the vehicle and dispersed through the intent of where the vehicle is going and will ultimately arrive.

Go to google earth. Zoomed out, you can see the clear distinction of land and coastline. The further you zoom, the less distinction can be made from land to coastline. You go until you can no longer tell where water blends into land. This same principle works for our distinction between day and night. Where does day end and night really begin? The transformation is infinitely gradual. We know the two states exist, but what is in between those states and how to define them is the interesting mystery. The realm of human perception is extremely limited. This is what idealism evolved out of. We have no choice but to settle for a clearly defined black or white because we can't fathom the gray areas.

this darkness
despair
anger
discontent

like a fire burning inside
what is it all for?

i want to throw fire
i want to burn the frustration
to the ground

moods don't ask our permission
to come to be

not unhappy,
just trying to get outside of the brackets
in this happiness equation

cold.

my mood
changes directions
with the wind

right now
the north knows
no sympathy

i will strangle
my ego
to set myself straight

trusty armor.

Dan,

wear your trust like a bulletproof vest,
it will make you feel safe
but in the very act of wearing it
you are putting yourself
in the line of fire

you can't hunt love
without a vest

before you can get it to surrender,
you'll have to take a few hits

but always carry your trusty armor
it's your first line of defense

happy hunting,

Dave

it's always the beginning of the end.

we are all fools
running in the darkness

when everything is right
we are high on
repression & independence

like a junkie

when it's time to come down
when we are no longer
getting what we think we need

we destroy everything,
and banish those around us
who know the truth
and rebuild

to keep our pride intact
we take solace in the fact

although we have destroyed
everything around us,

there was success
in the illusion
of rebuilding ourselves again

repeat

superposition and the death of dialecticism.

I was sitting on the patio of a creperie alleging that superposition could be applied to much more than just quantum computing. As human beings, we apply theories and concepts to practicality never realizing that those theories could one day wake up in the synthesis of another doctrine. Superposition is simply that that a piece of matter can be in more than one state at once. Interesting when applied to a thought. Thoughts are a form of matter. But unlike concrete physical reality, thoughts are constantly changing shape and state. This is why there have been no satisfying answers to age old philosophical debates like free will.


We have been working in the habit of creating synthesis out of dichotomies. It has been the hallmark of most of the scientific and creative breakthroughs throughout the centuries. In philosophy, this form of inquiry is called dialecticism. In dialecticism, as you may know, you take a hypothesis and deduce it into a theses and antitheses to come to a final synthesis. What this proves is that there is resolution for two opposing ideas through strict speculation,reasoning and gathering of factual data.
Dialecticism is incongruent with the new (and some old) questions science and philosophy pose. Why do we still apply it? It's comfortable.


How could two things exist in the same space and time at once? Ask the quantum scientists. With this field of science growing more and more into a feasible reality, I believe it will not only shape the way we use computers but will also change how we look at philosophy, logic, and computational models in the cognitive sciences. It will break down most of our current methodologies of thinking. For example, let us take a look at applying superposition to moral theory. Two opposing doctrines of religion and how they can co exist together both as true. Dialecticism to me seems as good to us as unpasteurized milk. It could flush relativism down the toilet taking the pope with it in one fell swoop.


The wake of a new paradigm in thought is never met with ease. The mystery at the bottom of the rabbit hole has always been a mystery in itself. The only way to change the world is to change our thinking. Nothing is certain. But, just like natural selection, we run around with our ideas and own up to them whether they are right or wrong and whether they succeed or fail. That is progress. Progress doesn't need a brain behind the gun -- just take a look at how well the brainless DNA molecule has done in the past few millenia. How can humans peacefully co exist on this planet without having to worry about over consumption? How can we as humans balance opposing thoughts and doctrines in belief systems without imposing war? How can a 1 and a 0 exist together in the same space and time? Can homosexuals and heterosexuals live in tandem without being seen as different? Can free will and fate exist together and share the same outcomes? Without having to prove a point -- a synthesis. A synthesis only leads to more questioning. More questions lead to more time being wasted. We value time as our most precious asset, yet we don't realize how much time we waste in indecision and debate.


I hope the new grounds we break in quantum mechanics can be someday be applied to disciplines such as moral theory, environmentalism, politics, etc. We may never find that magical equation to explain the universe, but we may find a way to sustain equilibrium more efficiently by understanding there is room for more than one idea in this world. Knowing this, we could be a little more at peace.

Some informative reading:

More Info on Dialectic
Quantum Computing
A Quantum State of Mind

heaven knows i'm innocent.

i swallowed you
before i could savor
how sweet you were

it's a crime here on earth
for mortals to feast on those they love
only heaven knows we're innocent

i don't worry
because we become one
in digestion

fill er' up!

We all are born deserving happiness, it is our intrinsic birthright. I think most people wouldn't have a difficult time accepting that statement as true. Regardless of how you choose to define happiness, it is a culmination of a profound number of emotions all coming together creating harmony in one singular moment or instance. How you achieve this happiness is up to you; be it in an ethical or non ethical fashion can be left for another discussion.

A constant stream of happiness is a pipe dream, but it is what many people strive for. It can also be the source of a great amount of frustration and disappointment. People fail to recognize that things exist out of dichotomies. What isn't taken into consideration is the fact that 'bad' times are necessary to make the good times roll. When the human will is battered and broken, it is like trying to see the sun shine through during heavy cloud cover. Absolute love is like the sun which is a constant. While fleeting or human love is affected by cloud cover and is imperfect in nature. Emotions can act like clouds. Sometimes the sun can shine through and fill you with love if you let it, provided you can clear the skies. It is idealistic behavior that sets us up for disappointment.

I discussed a bit about idealism in a previous entry. We often think, "this is the way it should be" not, "this is the way things are". An unwillingness to accept the state of how things are stems from grievances and is a warning sign for idealist thinking. We all put up walls because we are afraid whatever happened in the past will happen again and we will be thrown into a state of despondency. This is a vicious cycle. It keeps the love from shining through in our mind. We keep these walls up expecting others to be able to disarm them, and when they can't, we mistake that for them not being able to love us the 'right' way. We go from lover to lover, friend to friend, thinking we will find someone who will finally truly understand us.

It is common in relationships to expect the other person to instill love into you. When we feel they aren't doing this, it creates conflict. Others cannot be held responsible for the voids we find in ourselves. Relying on others to fill you up means that you are empty.

How things should be is a directly affected by every instance and moment you lived up to the point where you realized it. Here again we can easily scapegoat external influences for being at the fault of our unhappiness. Rage, anger, fear, etc. that we direct outward reflects a part of ourselves that we haven't fully dealt or come to terms with.
We tend to be attracted to people who are filled with love and naturally gravitate towards them in hopes to catch a few droplets. These are people who are at peace with themselves. Not perfect peace, but peace enough to hold them over. It is almost like money, some people have a lot, some people have very little. You should never let your heart go in debt and expect someone else to loan you some. Payback is a bitch. Wanting love and happiness puts a bad frame around your aura..Needing love on the other hand is essential and natural and it will come to you if you are all Ok within yourself. People sense internal peace like a geiger counter, they will gravitate towards you, just fill yourself up and know that you are enough.

Wow Man.

well the night is over
you can take your bow
you made yourself so proud
you were dancing in the glory of the
wows

from all the holier than thous
i didn't even get a smile or a glance
from the Wow Man

you try so hard to be
everybody's favorite Wow Man

that you forget about me
and everything that you and i have
you're so desperate to be everybody's
favorite Wow Man

that you forget how to be
good enough for me

fool
dragging your foul mood around
much to the sound of the
jealous words your father said
and the discontent your mother
plants into your head
have turned you into a fool

close all the doors in the room
the room where you weep until noon
you'd wish the day away
cause there's nothing left to say or do
in this persistent gloom

there are times in your life
when everyone says you owe them
just shut out all the noise
look at me
you don't need to be lonesome

abandon all your tortured plans
before this love slips
through your hands

throw down your change and kiss the tip.

idealism.

While I was away, nature told me that idealism was a nightmare that we would all awaken from someday. I looked around and saw that my clothes were an idea, my flashlight was an idea..but my breathing, the grass, flowers, lake, birds..whose ideas were those?

I can discern between reality and my ideas reflecting what my perceptions tell me what reality is. It's the finest line. This hints to me that an idea isn't just limited to a neurophysiological process; ideas can exist without a conscious observer. There is a distinction between thinking and being.

Being is a process more akin to feeling. Thinking is akin to cognition. When and if you cease your thoughts, your being or self blends into the background or whatever 'existence' may be defined as. This activity is widely known as meditation or ego death. Look at existence as a sort of 'backdrop' (since being is a singular or monistic, it has to be seen as one entity) When we think, we fade back out of the backdrop and expose ourselves to the foreground. We become distinguished as individuals.

It's a difficult thing to visualize. The more cognizant you are, the stronger you exist, the more you stand out from the backdrop of existence. What ideals plague us?
That is something I will be asking people this week.

impermanence.

every breath is different
but each one keeps
you alive

there are thousands of churches
that claim the same
but each need a different key

the sun slides across the sky
the same way everyday
but the clouds
shuffle its rays
infinitesimally

changing

we are not meant to be constant
like pi

to fall in love
with impermanence

is winning
scrabble against
the almighty

another family for war. planned spontaneity.

It's about time I began thinking about my album again. All of the songs have been written and ready to go for awhile now. The most arduous process of completing this will be recording good rhythm tracks. This takes a good clear vision. I want to record the drums, bass, rhythm guitar, and piano live. I like the vibe that live interaction invites - instead of the 'pristine multi-tracked recording studio as an operating room' type of vibe. Nothing can match up to a room of musicians playing off of each other in the moment. Planned spontaneity.

During the recording of my first album, I really didn't think about process as much. I seemed to want to look past the process to envision the end result. In retrospect, I realize that was a mistake. I was trying to own what I created. It probably should have been the other way around. Haste is something you don't want reaching the sub conscious mind of a listener. People are incredibly in tune with what they hear - they just don't hear the notes and chords - I believe we can all hear the intent and purpose of an artist just by listening to how the vibe or mood of the album or collection of songs plays. It's a feeling thing, not a listening thing.

The process of recording should leave one feeling robbed, hurt, confused, enlightened, happy etc. The more emotions you go through, the more it will distill itself into the music. I think it's amazing that anyone can perceive on that type of level when they listen to music. If you miss the process and just press record, then that's what people are going to hear. If you simply love, hate, and immerse yourself into the process, I am confident people hear that in the final result. You don't have to have a trained ear to feel or pick up on the most important aspect of music -- feeling.

a rainy day.

in the spring rain
i want to meet you the whole way
because halfway isn't enough

our feet pound the wet pavement
but the puddles between us don’t keep me away from you

our hands careful not to slip
as the rain
threatens to unbind them

our grip not too loose, not too tight
but somewhere in between
..something just right

the air is wet with colour

as the sky yawns and opens up
the sunshine spots you
in the most miraculous way

a rainbow forms between us
pulls us together

time stops.
words become colours
I start to smell time
each second a new
blossoming fragrance

like colliding galaxies
two souls connected at the
speed of light

i love every colour
on this rainy day

.

in the spring rain
i met you in a whole new way


as we continue to walk on
our feet engage the pavement
in a now
almost prosodic trot

the spaces we shape, soul mining and the roots of holy moments.

Much if not all of the things we experience are ineffable. I seem to exhaust the word when I am trying to express human expression itself. When you find you have deduced your thoughts into a group of small ironies, you know you might be hot on the trail of a synthesis. Beauty and truth are found within the tensions between contrasting concepts. Nature does not like to allow realizations to occur without work taking place. The realization that to be able to live and stay conscious everyday we need to make ourselves fit to survive within a particular environment. Being 'fit' is the work we must accomplish to survive. Continually testing hypotheses through trial and error are paramount to the survival of our thoughts and more importantly to the preservation of what we believe to be True. If we stopped thinking and ceased to challenge our thoughts in this way, we would grow stagnant.

Truth is ineffable. Truth may very well be one of the fundamental seeds that carries with it the potential to grow into the ideal of total understanding. If there is anything the human mind works the hardest towards putting most of its cognitive power into, it must be truth.

The more I discover myself, then more I think I may be mentally unstable or not compatible with the status quo or mental landscape of the majority of people around me. I believe that language cannot touch the soul. The most breathtaking and perfect combination of words cannot express an ounce of the soul that we have within us. The highest caliber of poetry cannot measure up to the wonderful and mysterious beauty we carry within. Then the sane will remind you that you are living in a reality where you have to play with the cards you are dealt and that wishful thinking will get you nowhere. All we have are words so we have to use them to the best of our ability. I say down with that type of thinking. That is settling for what we have and not what we could be.

Read a poem or listen to a piece of music that gives you goosebumps -- perceive something that just resonates within you. That is a holy moment. There is something else beneath all of those words/symbols/sounds that evoke that holy moment. There is an equation beneath it all -- a divinely specific order to what we say or do that makes us feel. When you make someone cry, what you do to evoke that may be cheap but it isn't easy.

Emotion is something that we know little about. All we know is how to feel it. The way that we shape and craft these emotions we call art. We may know much about engineering, physics, economy, finance etc. but the brain behind the gun that executes all of those things -- it doesn't have a name or a face. Whatever is between now and what could be is what I think we need to better understand.

who'll give you time to cry and time to find yourself?

clarity comes
from staring
into the eyes
of someone

who can feel you
feel them

completing
the thoughts
you were too afraid
to finish

when you know. [infinite fermata]

a strong four letter word
can carry the weight of the world

when it's there
it fits like a glove

it has no maybes
or kind of

hunched over at the piano
when you're searching
to complete the last chord

and she is the final note
that completes everything

that's when you know

.

quick thoughts.

rage is danger anger
I saw it tonight
a soul lost in a fight

------------------------

it's not quiet much within me
when you are around
you don't limit me,
my thoughts seem to collect
in perfect symmetry

------------------------

this is itself
it now knows
I and self are rare

------------------------

this itch
is not hurt
it's brain pain

------------------------

taking a small ride on the thought train.

Just for the record, the last post wasn't nonsense, it was polish.

Does your mind change trains of thought very rapidly? Do you often find yourself chasing your thoughts due to their fleeting nature? I do. I convince myself that this is normal and embrace my scattered brain. The human mind isn't innately wired for multitasking. Try typing out this sentence while saying all of the provinces in Canada including their capital cities. You probably won't be very successful because they are two separate cognitive processes. If you can manage, then it will likely take you more time to do the consolidated task than each task on its own. We created computers out of our inability to coordinate several tasks at once in our mind. Computers are our prehensile task managers.

The interesting question that arose was what the difference between coordination and multitasking was. One involves a singular event and the other is more focused on a few singular events occurring at once. For example, ballet takes coordination, not necessarily multitasking. Partaking in ballet and solving equations at the same time would require multitasking. The two seem very similar in definition, but in the brain they have two totally different functions and operate on separate pathways. Multitasking and coordination coalesce when certain activities are repeated continually into muscle and memory neurons until they become perceived by the mind as one unified event. In reality these are just a culmination of tasks. The process which makes this possible is called neuroplasticity. The brain is an incredible computational device. Ballet and equations could become an olympic sport someday!

Is decision making a cascaded version of multi tasking and coordination? Perhaps emotion barks up the tree or the 'stem of the brain' and keeps the more executive processes (reason, logic) in slavery. It's all very interconnected. The primitive emotions usually dominate and are difficult to curb. Old habits die hard.

Focus dave, focus and not ford focus!

nie ma zadnej smierci w uczciwosci.

tam jest pokoj w nieuctwie
wasza smierc jest w prawdzie
wy musicie budzic z moca
w uczciwości
albo wy możecie tracic

nonsense.

Sometimes I just want to not mean anything. Not in a metaphysical sense of being, but in terms of expressing myself written or verbally. There is a great deal to be conscious of when you are expressing yourself. At times, these restrictions surround you like a cage. Syntax, grammar, intonation, posture..the list goes on and the walls around you can grow thicker. When you see no way out of this cage, your first reaction is to counteract it with the opposite behavior: nonsense.

Nonsense has always been an activity I take a great deal of pleasure engaging in. It takes the pressure off of existing a certain way. Nonsense kindly and softly places you out of the confines of rule and order into a state of padded bliss. Perhaps it's an innate comfort knowing that your words and actions cannot be criticized in any other way than 'kooky' or 'bizarre'. To lash out in nonsense is the most passive form of beating you can lay on someone. It's sonic sadomasochism less the whips and chains. The restrictions of language are critically important since they keep a method of expression accessible and universal. The point of this foray into my dull grasp on linguistics is not to pay credence to order but to let chaos out of the cage for a bit and glorify it.

If we weren't raised from a young age to learn the concepts of form and function, we would be walking around aimlessly as if there were endless loops of cartoon music repeating in our heads. This is the closest I can come to telling you how I feel on a daily basis. It's a great deal of fun, but Order comes along every few hours and smacks the whip down on me hard. What I find interesting is that even in cases where there were children found who were not raised with any formal language, they still showed some form of universal grammar. This leads me to infer that there is a heavy anchor in our biological evolution that wants to express some form of order to our thoughts. Is it just seen as order because of the way we choose to see it? Probably not. It's the mental equivalent of symmetry in nature.

Symmetry is an example of nature wanting to show its part in turning chaos into order. The only difference is there is no brain or mind behind the tendency towards order on a molecular structure basis. Take a real close look at a snowflake or a leaf the next time your are outside -- would you say it borders more on the side of order or chaos in its organizational schemata? Then pick up a rock and take a look at it; it will seem a lot less more 'ordered' than the snowflake or leaf since it's order lies where the naked eye cannot peer. Order is more readily apparent in a diamond than a slab or marble. Why? Ask me later.

I can merge back on topic now that we've taken form and function outside of the human mind and viewed it from the perspective of the natural world. Grammar is the mind's manifestation of placing molecules in a specific place in order to create a stronger sense or meaning. Water can mean many things on a molecular level depending on the stimulus it is subject into. Water in a freezer will create an order as it changes state into a crystallized ice cube. Throw anger into the word 'fuck' and you will get a different reaction than if you said it as a small suggestion to your lover while having your pants down at your ankles. We make the decision on what we intend a word to mean..but who makes the decision into what state a mindless form of matter is to be?

This is where I usually draw the line as thinking about infinity can give you vertigo. We live to express some form of order, but all of life's burning answers lie in chaos. It makes sense. Everything on this planet that requires an outcome takes work. Nonsense is nature's way of telling us it's ok to be asymmetrical from time to time. It's nice to cheat every once and awhile a lose yourself (and others) in gibberish. Besides, in my life I have found people that understand my nonsense, ironically. Deep down there is always a fundamental truth to nonsense -- some people who you share a deep chemistry with can pick up those truths.

fate is gravity felt. [lunar eclipse]

I looked up,
my eyes were pulled
towards the sky

the moon
blinked out of existence

a celestial body
taking its sabbath

I yawned for the moon




we all get our chance
to live in the shadows

sometimes it's not by choice,

fate is gravity felt
and tends to pull us

in and out
of
light
&
shadow

consciousness from the divergent perspective.

picture one grain of sand on a beach.
this grain of sand is responsible for overlooking all of the others.
each grain appears the same to the naked eye
but in reality varies greatly under the scrutiny of an eye behind a microscope.

if this one grain of sand is to be the source for all singularity -- the house of active consciousness and the soul -- then the purpose of the other grains are to be passive observers.

if we are to successfully study consciousness, how can we expect to find the answer in observing ourselves observing ourselves? if the one grain of sand is the singular ultimate observer than who is observing the observer?

consciousness really is like a set of footprints on the beach trying to retrace themselves.

it's a paradox that is difficult to overcome even when trying to employ analogies. it leads me to believe that cartesian materialism is flawed. it's highly unlikely that the processing of sensory information happens in one specific place in the brain.


instead of taking the 'one grain of sand approach', perhaps consciousness occurs more along the lines of the people who attend the beach, not the grains of sand themselves. the people who attend the beach have personal agenda's -- which could be equated with the bodies separate senses. each sense reaches the brain at different times and is therefore 'moved' or processed at different times. this means that consciousness can no longer be seen as a singularity but a culmination of sensory experiences that move along a busy highway that is constantly moving. the mazda (smell) will reach it's turn off quicker than the BMW (sight). this doesn't necessarily mean that they must share the same end point. no 'observer' has to watch over each vehicle and their destinations for events to occur.

to think about consciousness as a divergent process rather than convergent one (cartesian theatre) will do us much justice into furthering understanding it. converging sensory experiences just leads us to pigeon hole ourselves into paradox. to think about consciousness in the first place is the first step towards failure since it entails us thinking about ourselves thinking. this is the convergent rabbit hole. the fact that consciousness is a time based phenomenon, implies that every experience we had would have to end up in the same place at the same time (when the light hit the movie screen) and this is an unrealistic ideal. the divergent view implies that experiences are internalized after perception and 'merge' onto the superhighway of neurons in our brain destined for specific places (occipital, temporal, frontal centers etc.) this means that conscious experience can happen more freely within the time matrix.

the view that all brain centres must coalesce into one singular experience is a dated perspective. reductionism has led us to look for answers in the wrong places.
what we experience as the outside world lies the short end of a funnel, and at the other end, the mind receives the large end. the mind is a large canvas on it's own and is continually being splashed with existence and time is what continually clears the canvas readying it for new experiences.

Cartesian theatre.

you are in the third act
of your own tragedy

the audience is
quite dead
with emotion

they have been
since the box office
chained up and blocked off
the doors

sticky stale soda
immobilize their feet
pinning them to floor


the lights are dim,
there is a deep
crimson haze
to the drapery


gothic sound
bleeding echoes
bounce off the walls
from a haunting past lament


in this Cartesian theatre--

your mind,
don't let it become a coffin
forever immortalizing what was

.

jump off of the stage
run to the projector room
and kindly ask the homunculus

to step down
as you shout your elegy

to the last film

and give way to the new

future presentation

humanheart.

poetry is a heart imagining,

love is the silence

between the beats

while the heart sleeps

the universe is breathing.

gravity

is the word for love

for gigantic planetary bodies

falling into the soft sheets in the bed of space-time

with trust and constancy


gravity

is the word for home

in love

always finding its way back to the centre of the humanheart


the beating of the heart
the rhythm of orbits

and the respiration
in which my love
for you resides

is God gently breathing
as he works us in

tigerblood. scenes from a car accident.

blood trickled slowly out of his nose as he slowly came to

bleeding out of his nose -- a tiger

his demon. his passion.

he is now safe from it clawing at his mind

eating him raw from the inside.

cleaving.

it took this event for him to realize that grace had been hiding in his mind the entire time

a man is only as strong as his will at the darkest of moments

when he is on his knees in tears he is struggling to find God

because God may be the only one who can know 'why?'



/it is at these moments when he is close to death

that he is living the most\




grace tames the tiger.

the tiger within a man -- his Will

is a duality that must be controlled

since it's demeanor is naturally indifferent

it could strike

at any time

falls.

the falls.

i always
thought of major intersections
as analogous to waterfalls

thousands of people tumbling
coming from all different directions
streaming
different currents
side streets emptying into a large reservoir

we have learned to tame chaos
with the colors green, yellow and red

the waterfalls
shine a rainbow
--a prismatic traffic light
to tame chaos

although many master the ability to defy man made law
the greatest geniuses still struggle to defy natural law

we are all governed by one principle

gravity.

the humanheart is gravity to the individual
keeping him or her grounded
weighed down
home.

the conscience is our flotation device
at times we lose this and start to sink (drown)

it takes water filled lungs
to build a strong moral fiber to keep us float (build a strong boat)

each molecule of water
exists in its own separate unique space

but it's comprised of the very same chemical ingredients as the others
the uniqueness is born in it's intent, not it's chemical makeup
its non deterministic fate is driven by cosmic chance

instead of the pounding of water and mist over the jagged rocks
and seagulls mocking the menacing beauty of the waterfall from above,
we pound the pavement with tonnes steel and rubber
with the occasional gawk from car horns
we sit with pride behind the wheels of our vehicles
while our mist is emitted from mufflers as carbon mist

.

every time i sail out of a side street into a
thunderous intersection

i look twice
and then twice again

then i look at myself look twice

before i jump

i survive every time




.

\\\\

fail-safe.

i can
cover up the parts of me
that cut and slice

sand down the edges of
my sharp flaws
dulling only my demons

to
fail-safe
in your arms

my heart is full
knowing
i'm not painful
to hold

money back guarantee.

she used him
returned him after 30 days

i told him
she might want to try him
before she was to buy him

he covered his ears
wiped tears from his eyes

i glanced towards his love
it looked back fleetingly

i knew his heart was
blind to her stare

he became expendable
an emotional write off
she was no longer hungry

leonard may have had a point,
love might just be learning
how to shoot someone
who outdrew you

i turned my back
walked away

i told him
if i were him


i'd go down burning in her embrace

i'm swimming in my gene pool right now. we're a tight package. genes in a tight package= family crammed into the basement during christmas.

my gene pool has compounded to include blood that does not include my own. blood in blood out. ha. that is how families work nowadays. soon it will become the 12 houses of christmas - spreading ourselves out over multiple families.

there are positive aspects to everything.

kissing is a fermata in a symphony of matter. [a messy one on time and love]

time does make our entire universe non-deterministic. if time were to freeze, everything in the universe would become deterministic, known, predictable and traceable. why we would want this? we wouldn't. time is a fashion designer that continually changes her mind in intervals of time that are so indivisibly small that we will never be able to see them. she tailors a fine seam of reality that is dozens of octaves beyond the threshold of human perception. the fact that the human brain is a storage medium further increases the complexity of time by assigning it a past and future.

lovers are people you run closest with in the field of time. you don't dare let go of them. they run faster, you catch them. you fall behind, they catch you. you play with them creating cosmic vibrations. like a waveform, we find our unisons - our kindred frequency's in which to create harmony. we find mates who resonate at the same intervals as we do. love, like physics, is an act of pushing and pulling to create melodies that can sustain a lifetime. kissing is a fermata. time could be the stage for a symphony of matter that we call life. we are billions of notes in constant dissonance and consonance with one another.

I see reality as a giant membrane in which all within are interdependent with one another on the principle of vibrating frequency's. our consciousness's are intertwined with these frequencies and are antenna's for receiving and transmitting signals that we label thought and emotion. what is inviting about this perspective is it is not dependent on an observer. frequency is everywhere. the light and color you see, the music you listen to, the heat that cooks your food, the function of your digestive tract, all the way to the slow rising and falling of the sun and moon that we call a complete day.

time is not insensitive. it shows its love during comfortable useful coincidence. it shows its disregard when you are half an hour away from a destination you were supposed to be at two hours ago. time cradles the human will. like an enemy, we keep a close watch on time. that's why we wear it so closely on our wrists, walls, phones, televisions and buildings. not in our hearts.

i) it would be interesting to see a theory that would unify all of the human senses to frequency one day. for example, we know that hearing and vision operate on principle of frequency. taste and smell have only recently entered the realm of study due to the increase in research in the field of quantum mechanics. if we do find they operate on frequency..wouldn't that be fun?

ii) true harmony has only existed in conjunction with the human mind insofar. it's difficult to know for sure what stands as true or real beyond what we perceive. it seems as though throughout human history that we have acted in parallel to the natural world. war and peace. chaos and calm.

iii) life is just a series of on's and off's. binary is our way of proving this.

cosmic euthanasia.

last
night

I woke myself up
to dream.

I was
dizzy

I stepped outside
of the Roundabout

we call life
where we tend
to walk in circular motions

I felt
stillness.

behind the eye holes
in a witch doctors face ,
I saw a starry universe

peeked at the existence
we orbit around

like a divine machine

I was God's
defibrillator

i withdrew support.

as I watched God
draw his final breath

I wondered if humanity
would also

awaken
to a new dream

where
we wouldn't
find the need for

self transcendence.

sonic kiss. [the heart as a universal interpreter]

in a room
with a wooden floor, piano
and finely crafted dining table

you shine
in afternoon
sunlight

your voice fills
the air
with spanish poetry

my ears crave
to hear the meaning
veiled behind the words

as the words pluck my heartstrings--
a universal interpreter,

they create a cadence
of understanding

whilst
dancing around my soul

I then broadcast them back into the air
in a tonal dialect

released from my fingers
in a spanish key
from a tropical piano
tuned to your
warm sweet voice

comes a universal language.
two hearts meeting in the middle

your words
meet my notes
in the air like a

sonic kiss

from a tiny island in the south pacific.

for quite sometime, I've had a fascination with desert islands. quite specifically the islands created by volcanic activity deep within the earth's crust in the south pacific region of the earth. there is a remarkable romanticism and mysticism that surrounds this geographical area. perhaps it's the fact that these islands have remained silent for thousands of years. it is one of my dreams to visit this area of the earth. about a year ago I had written a piece of music that accompanied what I thought and felt the soundtrack of an ocean adventure in the polynesia would sound like.

imagery of square waveforms mimicking the sounds of the deep blue sea. the sounds of the surf and the razor silence of the sea. pirates. the wind creating a high pitched squeal as it rubbed up against the surface of the ocean almost like the static white noise of a half tuned radio station. open and free. to get lost at sea would be the ultimate waking up to selfhood.

oceania -- from a tiny island in the south pacific

unspoken

days pass us by as we're wasting precious time
so scared to try to say what's on our minds
oh and heaven knows life's too short to put on hold

i'm in love with you and you love me too
but our feelings go unspoken, yes our feelings go unspoken
while life slips away
we're too afraid, loves a dangerous game
so our feelings go unspoken, yes our feelings go unspoken
and life slips away


things sound so much different than they appear.
unspoken silent empathy

stop this villainy!

dad says you have to live day by day. ever since the divorce every word exchanged between my father and I has carried a solemn tone to it. it's almost as if the words weigh more than they ever used to. in my mind, what I used to think of as a fallout should be in actuality just 'falling in' to a new way of thinking. the weight of the new words are the byproduct of a wisdom that has come out of tragedy. this is good. it just has taken a while to grow accustom to this change in tone and intent.

one of the reasons I seem to always take a liking to living the past is the fact that emotions are far more extinguished in retrospect. this leads me to believe that I must not handle emotion well in the moment. you guys aren't surprised. but I am. emotions burn me less when I can relive them safely from the Now. some nights, I sit with a bag of popcorn and watch the past from the comfort of my own bed. so what good does this do? i'm beginning to figure out that it does none.

back when the entire situation was present, I seem to recall one evening in particular that has stayed etched in my memory. my dad was picking me up after work (this is when I knew there was something going on between my parents) and nothing was really said between the two of us but the songs that were playing in the car explained everything. at the time I found it very comical. I was silently thinking to myself that I was sitting in a car with a man caught in a mid-life crisis who just went out and purchased nazarath - 'love hurts' and guns and roses - 'november rain'. to me, this was a priceless moment. it was the moment I knew for certain that things between my parents weren't going to work out. as we continued to drive, I began to think about how much my life was going to change. I was only in grade 12 at that time all I wanted was nothing to change - I was content with stability.

'why doesn't love last dad?' was the dumbest question i've ever asked my dad. the words escaped my lips before I could contain my rational side. I have a short circuit in my brain that causes me to go on verbal rampages -- mauling whatever poor soul is listening to me at the moment. my apologies guys. anyways, these words are very difficult to discuss with parents. love and sex are no no's because they are what you are the very byproduct of. talking to your parents about love, emotion and sex is the equivalent to throwing a microphone up to the very speaker it is connected to provoking a highly annoying squeal termed feedback. but when tragedy strikes, your brain farts out nonsense for plenty of years after asking all of these unnecessary questions. deep inside, I still do with that I was given an answer to that question I had asked. sometimes I certainly do believe that love could have possibly not existed at all...so what was 'lost' is really just an illusion.

now I sit here like the old man I am, mere weeks shy of 25 thinking about thinking. hyperbolizing the past. my penis is here and now, I can't play with it yesterday or tomorrow. it's here today! isn't that a great way of reminding yourself to carpe diem?


my apologies.
ha.

intimately intertwined.

the smile from a stranger

the courtesy space given

by a kind driver

upon exiting a parking garage


the thankfulness that is extended

as you help a mother and her child

with their newly donned winter attire

when they pull you aside and

you give them a spare moment


letting a person with less grocery items

pass to the front


honoring their time

honoring your time

it's all good time.


loving the person who just cut you off

elder, adolescent, or newly emigrated

[don't worry someday they will have their own lanes]


civil love.
civil respect.

we are all intimately intertwined.

someday's i feel it more than others

love towards strangers is seldom recognized

but this is the love that has potential

to save the world

hommony n unit t

rift between mind and heart

disappearing slowly

it just took the right heart

to pull it back together

intoxiety. anxiecation.

there was a point

i could no longer
tell the difference

between
intoxication
&
anxiety


there was a stage
in my life

that was filled with
inebriated actors

who didn't know
the difference
between
fact and fiction



then

a day came
where
the
theatre in my mind imploded

and was rebuilt
twenty eight days later
by a neuron

stronger than jesus
could ever be

resurrection
is just
insurrection

of a mind
against its own thoughts

ten damncomments.

were we all conceived or convinced?

moses and his ten damncomments!


commandments.damncomments.

guaranteed for life.

i'm eating noodles
trying to keep my eyes on the television

but my eyes are drawn towards the sewing machine
an old relic

it smells like the seventies
and runs like a beat up buick

the sticker on it reads
'guaranteed for life'

.

beautifully designed thoughts

[the needle]

ears that welcome words

like the embracing arms of a long time lover

[the thread]


i wish love
was this sewing machine

won't you be my neighbor?

lately

hanging up my coat
taking off my shoes
throwing on my slippers

every time i've entered my abode
i've felt like mister rogers



'hello neighbor!'

if babcia was a man
she would be fred rogers

we lose might to find meaning.

you might mean the world to me

you might be mean to the world with me

you mean you might?

you mean your might is nothing without me

you are nothing without mean might

you without might -- me?


might you mean you?

me without nothing is might

might mean without nothing

you might mean the world to me



we lost might

to find meaning

pedigree apogee

i've found my mind.
only after i've let it go

so many times

trodden on by love
tugged on by the temptation

to exist in a lie.

i cast my mind away at times
to loosen the noose around my heart

my heart inflates with forgiveness
in knowing
me and my broken father
can be stitched back together
with a small amount of sewing

i've never felt this real
since the day you ripped us apart

if we are to be tattered rags
worked into a form of art

coalesced into one quilt

i need to know that you love me
behind all of your guilt

the human element. on imperfection.

it's not all that often that critical theory is applied to music. when I am asked to be critical about something I assume that I gain license to be brutally and fairly honest about a body of work. earlier last week I was asked to take a listen and give feedback for an album that my friend had recorded produced and written by himself in his home studio. straight away I knew i'd be dealing with a solo album. solo albums are very monotone sounding for the very fact that they are done by the same person the entire way through with little to no output from anyone outside of their realm of consciousnesses. don't get me wrong -- i've known and can cite several amazing solo albums. I have been listening to this album for about a full week now and I have come to some fairly solid conclusions. I have tried to keep them objective as possible, but I also share some of my beliefs and opinions within.

the melodies, harmonies, chord progressions and lyrics are all great. very poignant and there seems to be a theme that interleaves and meanders from song to song throughout the album. this is a great thing in itself. many albums are not cohesive as they lack a distinct thematic trajectory. I guess we can call these 'concept albums'. we all know that feeling when we listen to something but there is still something 'missing' or something we quite don't like that we just can't put our finger on. something within the minutiae of this body of work was ignored or neglected.

the soul of any work of art is transferred from the brain of the artist onto 'canvas' via intention. seeing that this is a musical work, we can refer to the canvas as a sonic canvas. art is a process wherein an infinite amount of variables can occur during the transfer of an idea from the brain onto a canvas. most of the time, if not all, these variables are controlled subconsciously. if the artist is too consciously focused or preoccupied on the end result of their intention, I believe it taints or spoils the artwork. refinement is a risky thing. don't fix it if it ain't broken. how do you know if it isn't or is broken? that is what distinguishes a seasoned artist from an amateur.

in the case of this individuals musical work, all of the surface level expressions were there and they were quite impressive. but there was still something that wasn't right about it. you can take the most unattractive of gemstones polish it and tumble it to beauty. however, in the end it is all in the hands of personal subjectivity and the real 'soul' of the entity. the soul of art is very rarely paid attention to. only the most experienced of artists and producers can recognize and bring to fruition purity and honesty.

the entire point being is that I believe that the soul of a piece of artwork lies in the artist including the human element into her or his work. I define the human element as flaw and imperfection. the dirt. the mess. expressing your vulnerability. if you don't put your own soul on the line, it is difficult to meet the one main requirement of art: empathy. if you record every single note and lyric to absolute perfection, it becomes self serving. art is not meant to be self serving. ego should not taint artwork. this is why I believe that refinement is a risky thing. don't be afraid to be ugly or to be vulnerable. don't refine to the point of no return or the work will lose its soul. if you can't be honest with yourself, than you can't expect anyone else to be honest as they see and perceive themselves through your artwork.

music by nature is a collective process. it is about sharing. this is why I am an advocate against creating works of music totally on a solo basis. symphonies take many muscles and tendons to make the muse. a tribal working song needs air from more than one pair of lungs. birds purposely sing a call and return.

perfection is found in the most unexpected of places -- most of the time perfection is just beneath the nose of imperfection. artwork should never be used solely as a means to transcend being human. that would be a gross and paradoxical denial. it's ok to be flawed -- that is where a wealth of beauty lies. so the next time that you hear something that is good but it doesn't quite add up to or FEEL like a great experience - just ask yourself: is it just too perfect?

[qualia are the souls of experiences]

epigenetics and memes. [the potential of analogy]

someday it would be interesting if someone were to superimpose epigenetics on memes. epigenetics is peculiar in that DNA can be modified through chromatin but still leave the DNA sequence of an organism untouched. what could this mean in the context of culture?

some interesting parallels can be drawn from the knowledge we possess on the trans generational behavior of genes and the similar processes of how transmission of culture propagates from mind to mind.

what does it all mean?

sometimes it's easier to see the latent things through analogy. take this for example..
when you are driving and you are at a stoplight, how many times does your mind change before the light turns green again and you continue driving? it should be noticed that your mind is always changing, however, the stoplight is the point at which a new cycle of thought begins and another ends, much like cell reproduction. now envision that you in your vehicle are a cell undergoing mitosis (cell division)..the amount of times you change your 'mind' at the stoplight would be analogous to how many genetic mutations can occur at random. thoughts are seemingly random and so are genetic mutations.

oncogenes (cancer cells) are cells that are continually running red lights! they break the traffic laws of cell reproduction. will we ever be able to stop all people that run red lights? will we ever be able to stop people from changing their minds at stoplights? these are the macro cosmic questions that cell biologists could be asking themselves to solve a problem not seen by the naked eye.

everyday a new email comes to try to make me feel bad about my penis:

hello again dave,
with a longer penis you can perform even more sexual positions
http://www.glamoise.com/

-Mate Kettler




thanks Mate. for the simple fact that I am human and you are a spambot I know that you really aren't concerned about my penis size. but thanks anyway. what is really interesting is that thousands of people actually buy into this type of advertisement. are people really that insecure? do you girls get emails regarding breast augmentation? or do they just target the penis?

sexual positions. you don't need a walrus penis to please a lady. yet. we're not at that stage of evolution. someday soon I fear genetic engineering will fuse the chromosomes of the walrus penis into the homo sapien penis. then, you will have twenty-four inches of gun power with no brain behind the gun. it's only a matter of time.

until then corporate America, you can continue to make war, not love with your pathetic penis advertisement.s

it's where you were, are and will be.

infinity collides
in infinite angles
to converge into the shape of Now

[the constant exploding of Matreshka dolls
would be an empirical experiment of a 'now' event
a singularity subject to an extreme random occurrence creates a moment. where all of the pieces of the doll land, defines the occasion.]

conscience as the custodian.

memories come at us like asteroids
seemingly random
when they collide with our will
emotions explode
all over our mind

at times,
conscience the custodians
cannot clean up

vibration, singing with the world, music in untold places.

some day's i hear music
in the grinding of gears
the purring of motors
supersonic whistling of jet engines

today i sang a love song with my microwave

three months ago i carried a duet with a lawnmower
for two cat's engaging in rough sex
on a unkept
dry yellow
lawn

sometimes my car's serpentine belt
screeches out operatic like melodies
when my air conditioning unit is engaged;

sometimes other car's on the freeway oblige
and join in on this chorus of Good Vibration's

i harmonize with the world

as if it were my band mate(s)

to be still.

by this river
i come to watch progress unfold

in front of me
existence slams ahead

i sit motionless

mind come here to be still.

.

high in the spruce trees
free will glares down at me

knowing it cannot get me

still

a note on thoughts and washroom breaks.

[but pissing unlocks some weird receptors in my brain...]

moments of epiphany plague the pissing psyche.

intuition must live in our urinary tracts

the voyeur inside of my skull provides the clairvoyance

being naked is thinking naked.naked thinking is naked being.




peculiar moments pulse

down into a porcelain pot


trickling ideas

powder room ponderings

latrine language


may i be excused?

my mind needs

to tinkle

fall back. [winter will catch you.]

darkness now brackets light
as we fall back
into winters paws

in my heart
winter,
the warmest of seasons.

prequeled by falling leaves,
brisk walks
by the harborfront

seeing colorful explosions in the night sky
that produce clouds like dragons

soon we will walk through
a kaleidoscope of autumn leaves
and learn how to

fall back

into eachother's arms


just as fall has learned
to trust winters paws

love your life.

in the time that it took to take its toll on
did you trade your angel for a hard shell?
afraid to fight, afraid to doubt, afraid to fit so
lovely into yourself

when there's no one around to lie
who will tell you to love your life?
you know I would if I could

the echo's sound from impassive stones
step on a speed train and go and go
till you cry your way out of here
your colors fly in a burning red
you tear yourself in two again so you can choose
what you can return

when there's nothing left to try
you will lose but you won't know why
when you need what you don't desire
you will want what you don't require

when there's no one around to lie
who will tell you to love your life?
you know I would if I could

don't you cry your way out of here..
you can love your life

the ends of the earth (the sea slows us)

a seven year old once told me that one day he was going to walk so far that he would fall off the planet. I asked him where the end of the planet was and he said 'the beach'.

the coast

is the place we go
when we want to feel
the ends of the earth

we cling onto the sands
less we drift away
into a wet unknown

our eyes scan the horizon
they see nothing but a horizontal line
the two extremes,

air and water.


long walks on the beach
are our feet sinking themselves into a million years
of worn stone


the beach is the safest way to test our mortality
for we are created to
fall prey to the sea, easily

go to the coast
and anchor yourself
to those you love most


ah,
but there is another place
a new paradigm with less air
we call space

we will no longer walk to the ends of the earth
and challenge a boat with the sea,

we will float in the silence
of new grains of sand called stars
in our pale new black gal axy sea

energy. honesty to the self.

"come up with something that is you."

the question of self isn't an easy one. it isn't realized even at our last breath. the greatest works of art have always been the complexity hidden within simplicity. many artists believe they can express themselves with true honesty when only they are hiding behind metaphors. it is easy to evade yourself and others this way. you aren't accomplishing anything when you are fooling yourself. you will always be searching for you. you will always be searching for home. the truth of the matter is you have to accept that you will never find these things. if you think you already have, you are complacent and there is no longer any room for you to grow. you are stunted.

i personally am beginning to be careful and more cognizant in how honest I am to myself and not so much others. throughout childhood it is continually reiterated that we be honest. we automatically assume this means honesty to others. we do not think this applies to the self. this is why many people find themselves at twenty-five and a hole in their life. completeness may include a void for all I know. what i know to be true is that the people around me who confide their most private thoughts to me are taking a chance with honesty -- and not just to me -- but to themselves. They may be discussing with me their life however, the dialogue in reality is only with them and themselves.

when i hear these things from others, it has a profound effect on my perceptions and perspective on life. i grow from the grace i receive when people confide in me.

the greater essence behind communication is energy. this is not a new concept. i do think that the concept is losing steam though. from some recent conversations with a close friend of mine, I have been made aware just how much energy flows through our bodies. when we keep things within, it can do harm to our bodies. this energy flow or chi is the life force that is manipulated continually through our interactions with the external environment. when we use words all we are doing is throwing around energy like playing catch with a friend.

grounding is a term that has two synonymous processes. firstly, grounding is a process in which electricity (energy) is connected to the earth, used as an arbitrary zero of potential. secondly, grounding in the psychological sense is to reconnect the mind to physical reality. these two things are exactly the same except for what is used as the zone for zero of potential. it is my belief that honesty is the greatest vehicle towards successful grounding.

this to me proves that humans are conduits for energy. energy is God. energy is the essence of consciousnesses. being untrue to yourself is destroying and maiming this 'energy'. discussing this renders words almost useless. beauty is in simplicity. why must we continually find names or terms for this energy? it cannot ever just exist on its own?

on fading mortality. [still you think till you are still]

trapped.
knowing you will die
consumes the now

being stuck in the thick glue
of sadness

unable to pick up your feet

your muscles atrophy
and soon after you can only

scream inside of your mind
where no one can hear you

you can still feel the pain
but can no longer move


your breathing becomes labored
the world turns to black and white

like an old fading television
your reception
becomes scrambled, flickering

your voice is nothing but
a faint scratching

as your organs shut down,
one by one
each leaves your brain more battered

still,
intact
till
the
last
drop

your last breath
is full of rag water
as you are tossed
into
a bucket

filling your lungs
with scalding hot water
like an old overflow tank

still,
you think
till
the
last
thought

When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after, the little space which I fill, and even can see -- engulfed in an infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant and which know me not, I am frightened, and am astonished at being here rather than there, for there is no reason why here rather than there, why now rather than then. The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me...

-Blaise Pascal


Me too Blaise, me too.

insignificant other.

they watched the rain fall

one remarked on how intelligently designed
the raindrops were

splashing curious and magnificent
patters onto the pavement canvas

like two broken lovers,
they crawled until they couldn't feel their knees

[found in each other the will to go on]

their eyes acquired
what their lips
were to frail to say

protected by years of thick skin

provided by a now

insignificant other

this city is like a cell.
it is 2:30am
we are all deep within ourselves;

some sleep. many worry.


tucked away in the far away corners
of our minds,

our ego's have their feet up on the table

relaxing tomorrow's fears

there and here.

the distance between
there and here
has made us
tired

my ears are ringing
eyes are flickering
from a night
of patio lights
and circus music

this time
I was the moth drawn
to the light

you are crawling
and I limp
on my damaged heels

broken by bad decisions
forbidden to heal
because of memories

Words.

you bring order to the chaos
in these small
inert symbols

you say you are numb
that inside
your flame is waning

but you can light words on fire
and burn a mind
down to the ground

-

we have a dialogue
that tears through the sky
like a Boeing

but we are without destination.

Careful.

I saw a caterpillar crawl
across the stage
last night

helplessly

it was us.

our protagonists may be frail

but I know
you are a lioness inside

and I am a virus
looking for a host

there is nothing more
in this world
that I need more
than for you to
dance all over me

as I crawl

like I could have

to that caterpillar

which is the ultimate explanation?

sea's too big to fit in my brain
nothing's too big to fit in my heart

time's too big to fit in the brain
nothing's too big to fit in my heart

god's too big to fit in a book
nothing's too big to fit in my heart
- bruce cockburn

Faith is on the edge of all that we can ever know. The tension between the known and the unknown creates the playing field for scientific inquiry. The faithful tease the ardent free thinkers like an older sibling teases his or her younger sibling -- instilling a fierce form of competition and determinacy to prove the 'superior' wrong. In many ways religion and science are like siblings cut from the same cloth. Neither realize the significance of the other until they reach an age of maturity.

This is where I think the state of faith vs. scientific inquiry are at this point in history. The human airwaves are choking on dead end debates on religion vs. science. If both issues were on the same end of the court, the ball would not be reciprocated thus the game would be nonexistent. Both are key to the 'ultimate' explanation or what many scientists call the Theory of Everything. One can by no means supersede the other as more valid. Since faith depends more on the human imagination, it can be more manipulative towards dispelling facts of science. Perhaps we should re title the rivalry "tangibilities vs. intangibilities"?

one you can sense. the other you cannot. when was the last time you based a decision on something you couldn't sense? when was the last time you based a decision on something you could sense? the fact that intangibilities exist in the first place is a miracle. intangibilities exist to be discovered. just take this allegory: when we are first born, we may be already equipped to sense our surroundings but whether we do or not is dependent on our biological mental and physical development. the human infant is very aware of its surroundings even though it cannot directly perceive them.

being one human with eyes that can see is not the same as being humanity with eyes that cannot yet peer into the vast entireties of the universe and look God in the eyes. the human race can still be considered in its infancy. but like any young thing, it is instinctual for us to want to grow up far to fast and experience this exciting thing we call consciousnesses. will see when we are ready to see. not when we see fit.

eternal twilight.

i.

darkness.

i was born on thin ice

the twilight,
was swallowed
by
dawn


my heart awoke
and yawned its first breath


my ear still pressed
against the cold surface,

i could hear the water of winter
neath me
swishing
like the blood through
the veins of a helpless prey
tight in the jaws of his successor

my heart wriggled
out of the grip
of Despair

and slithered
inconspicuously
towards shore

careful as not to break
the ice
which supported
my existence

careful as not to break
the existence
which supports
all that we falter in


ii.

tonite,
the sea will choke on the sun
as it lodges deeply

into the airway
of the horizon

leaving the world
in
eternal twilight.

solipsistic banter.

one reality.
six point four billion
exclusive existences

all souls
are but

different shades
of the same color

as
all teeth
are white jagged rocks
twisted in
different angles


nonethesame.

a billion ideas
in one mind
make up one Self.

one ideal
among a billion minds
is an inefficient
vehicle called Faith

mental real estate.

you can own
landscapes in my mind

snapshots of existence;

mental real estate

along a lake
aside the river
neath the bridge

all dimly lit
touched by twilight

your minds eye
peers so deeply into mine





tonite,
neath the stars,

we were travelers
now,

we are just wanderers

eternity within amber.

motionless
suspended within
a nugget of amber
I watch as the world
surrounding me
passes by

I see the world
in a hue of gold tones

I hear only the thundering boom
of the waterfall
in which I float near

high frequencies
don't penetrate
these thick
resinous walls

I smell nothing.
the sweet sappy spruce
has asphyxiated
all but my
soul

preserved.


from here
I can watch
eternity

on the permanence of amber. a sheild against time.

we exist in the open air. although we cannot see time, we can see it's effects. for a simple demonstration, leave an apple core on a plate on your kitchen table overnight. you'll note that come morning time will have slightly charred the apple core leaving it dry and discolored.

this is just one of countless demonstrations one can conduct on the effects of time on an organic object. scientifically we give terms such as taphonomy to the decomposition process. however, as many times as we attempt to label this 'process', everything must happen in the cradle and presence of time.

throughout history and as early as ancient egypt, humans have tried to prevent decay and decomposition of human corpses. this act of embalming comes from a deep instinct for preservation. the moment that humans became aware of their own mortality, the need for preservation quickly ensued. the most recent and modern incarnations of preservation are done by way of cryonics (cryogenics). I believe that self preservation will keep on taking different forms as humans evolve in future times...possibly to the point of preserving what we label the soul, mind, or self.

it isn't a new notion that fossilized amber takes on a mysterious role in preserving nature. the most interesting aspect of it to me are the literal and metaphorical possibilities. sure, amber may be able to preserve the DNA of dinosaurs and other biological lifeforms, but it is also the only substance that can shield an organism from the sheering winds of time. going back to the short vignette at the beginning of this entry regarding the apple core..without preservation the core lays pray to whatever force time manifests itself as. this seems simple and obvious, but that is what makes it so fascinating. any new perspectives on time are refreshing this day in age when calendars and digital clocks rule the world.

self preservation is crucial and always will be. someday we may actually understand time enough to be able to reverse it, forward it, and stop it. wouldn't that be something? until then, anti-aging creams can shield our bodies from the ravages of time while amber can preserve the human imagination.

what is time to you?

23

the number 23 is everywhere.

when I can see thoughts
so gently
falling from your eyes

I try to save them
one by one

we tried to gather them
together

but they fell into the
sea of yesterday

before you took your bow

and stumbled off