stop this villainy!

dad says you have to live day by day. ever since the divorce every word exchanged between my father and I has carried a solemn tone to it. it's almost as if the words weigh more than they ever used to. in my mind, what I used to think of as a fallout should be in actuality just 'falling in' to a new way of thinking. the weight of the new words are the byproduct of a wisdom that has come out of tragedy. this is good. it just has taken a while to grow accustom to this change in tone and intent.

one of the reasons I seem to always take a liking to living the past is the fact that emotions are far more extinguished in retrospect. this leads me to believe that I must not handle emotion well in the moment. you guys aren't surprised. but I am. emotions burn me less when I can relive them safely from the Now. some nights, I sit with a bag of popcorn and watch the past from the comfort of my own bed. so what good does this do? i'm beginning to figure out that it does none.

back when the entire situation was present, I seem to recall one evening in particular that has stayed etched in my memory. my dad was picking me up after work (this is when I knew there was something going on between my parents) and nothing was really said between the two of us but the songs that were playing in the car explained everything. at the time I found it very comical. I was silently thinking to myself that I was sitting in a car with a man caught in a mid-life crisis who just went out and purchased nazarath - 'love hurts' and guns and roses - 'november rain'. to me, this was a priceless moment. it was the moment I knew for certain that things between my parents weren't going to work out. as we continued to drive, I began to think about how much my life was going to change. I was only in grade 12 at that time all I wanted was nothing to change - I was content with stability.

'why doesn't love last dad?' was the dumbest question i've ever asked my dad. the words escaped my lips before I could contain my rational side. I have a short circuit in my brain that causes me to go on verbal rampages -- mauling whatever poor soul is listening to me at the moment. my apologies guys. anyways, these words are very difficult to discuss with parents. love and sex are no no's because they are what you are the very byproduct of. talking to your parents about love, emotion and sex is the equivalent to throwing a microphone up to the very speaker it is connected to provoking a highly annoying squeal termed feedback. but when tragedy strikes, your brain farts out nonsense for plenty of years after asking all of these unnecessary questions. deep inside, I still do with that I was given an answer to that question I had asked. sometimes I certainly do believe that love could have possibly not existed at all...so what was 'lost' is really just an illusion.

now I sit here like the old man I am, mere weeks shy of 25 thinking about thinking. hyperbolizing the past. my penis is here and now, I can't play with it yesterday or tomorrow. it's here today! isn't that a great way of reminding yourself to carpe diem?


my apologies.
ha.

intimately intertwined.

the smile from a stranger

the courtesy space given

by a kind driver

upon exiting a parking garage


the thankfulness that is extended

as you help a mother and her child

with their newly donned winter attire

when they pull you aside and

you give them a spare moment


letting a person with less grocery items

pass to the front


honoring their time

honoring your time

it's all good time.


loving the person who just cut you off

elder, adolescent, or newly emigrated

[don't worry someday they will have their own lanes]


civil love.
civil respect.

we are all intimately intertwined.

someday's i feel it more than others

love towards strangers is seldom recognized

but this is the love that has potential

to save the world

hommony n unit t

rift between mind and heart

disappearing slowly

it just took the right heart

to pull it back together

intoxiety. anxiecation.

there was a point

i could no longer
tell the difference

between
intoxication
&
anxiety


there was a stage
in my life

that was filled with
inebriated actors

who didn't know
the difference
between
fact and fiction



then

a day came
where
the
theatre in my mind imploded

and was rebuilt
twenty eight days later
by a neuron

stronger than jesus
could ever be

resurrection
is just
insurrection

of a mind
against its own thoughts

ten damncomments.

were we all conceived or convinced?

moses and his ten damncomments!


commandments.damncomments.

guaranteed for life.

i'm eating noodles
trying to keep my eyes on the television

but my eyes are drawn towards the sewing machine
an old relic

it smells like the seventies
and runs like a beat up buick

the sticker on it reads
'guaranteed for life'

.

beautifully designed thoughts

[the needle]

ears that welcome words

like the embracing arms of a long time lover

[the thread]


i wish love
was this sewing machine

won't you be my neighbor?

lately

hanging up my coat
taking off my shoes
throwing on my slippers

every time i've entered my abode
i've felt like mister rogers



'hello neighbor!'

if babcia was a man
she would be fred rogers

we lose might to find meaning.

you might mean the world to me

you might be mean to the world with me

you mean you might?

you mean your might is nothing without me

you are nothing without mean might

you without might -- me?


might you mean you?

me without nothing is might

might mean without nothing

you might mean the world to me



we lost might

to find meaning

pedigree apogee

i've found my mind.
only after i've let it go

so many times

trodden on by love
tugged on by the temptation

to exist in a lie.

i cast my mind away at times
to loosen the noose around my heart

my heart inflates with forgiveness
in knowing
me and my broken father
can be stitched back together
with a small amount of sewing

i've never felt this real
since the day you ripped us apart

if we are to be tattered rags
worked into a form of art

coalesced into one quilt

i need to know that you love me
behind all of your guilt