sometimes i have dreams im so happy and im just floating higher and higher

and that becomes the rest of forever

i fell out of bed last night

it made me feel

worthless

to be here

to be human

limited and helpless

Who To Blame?

I was on the bus this morning and this guy across from me wouldn't stop coughing. I declared a war on germs. My weapon: give everyone on the bus a cough suppressant. Although the germs are the true enemy, the humans are the inert vessels at which the virus highjacks to further their own cause. How do you fight germs without fighting people? Does the intention of the virus transcribe onto the human? Is the human in any way at all responsible for the viruses actions? In essence, is what the human being punished for a result of some type of carelessness that they engaged in to acquire the virus? Many things can result from ignorance - can ignorance be seen as a problem?

You can take the logic of this example and run with it. For example, many have defined religion as a mimetic virus that attaches itself to a host human. In the most extreme cases, we see the cause of religious fundamentalism as a seed of human intention and thought but we don't go any further and presume that perhaps it isn't the human that is causing the thought but rather the mimetic virus. Who do we persecute in this example? How much control do humans have over viruses? Should I punish you for coughing? What if the locus of control that incites these negative behaviours lies within an innocent host? How do we separate the two?

increase- eating and opening doors with non-dominant hand.
- positive thinking in neutral situations
- water intake
- journal reflections

decrease - bouts of rage
- chicken wing intake
- fat thoughts and fat foods

The Mulitple Realizability of Self Loathing.

I always wondered if my own dissatisfaction with my singing voice was at all any reflection or manifestation of a dissatisfaction with my Self? Perhaps only in fully accepting your person hood do your own perceptions of Self equalize and eventually grow to a pure acceptance of Self. In other words, the closer you are to being able to idealize your self in a 'healthy' way, the easier it becomes to develop an acceptance to a certain aspect of yourself like vocal expression. Similarly, it's like being dissatisfied with one's own grammatical style. These are just different ways of looking into a mirror.

the recursive nature of definitions. [epistemic regress]

We are consistently stuck in our search for meaning because of the recursive nature of life. Self similarity means things are almost the same but not exact. This is the basis of diversity upon which natural selection works. A process which like an algorithm shapes and contours evolution.
Try to define a word and you have to use other words. Try to define a concept and you will have to break it into smaller units. Ultimately everything is the same but just organized differently. A different pattern within the same entity. God is just a shape we choose to see within the static and noise in the universe because we are children of this pattern seeking game.

This phenomenon can also be termed 'epistemic regress' for the sole fact that definitions require definitions. We cannot define x by means of a natural language because language is recursive and self referential. The alternative is to define x using a method that doesn't rely upon a recursive process. T (time) is a major factor in recursion so much that if we do try to define x without recursion, then our definition of x will remain stagnant to the T that it was defined in. Recursion has allowed us to include the dimension of time in our definitions. In trying to define x=love -- in order to describe x we need to take an excursion into other concepts which takes t time. the time required to find some satisfactory definition is reliant about n number of concepts we choose to refer to. We want to point to x -- how can we do this without pointing somewhere else?

the high road.

i almost fell into love
the wall was too tall for me to climb
so i turned around

everyone was watching,
slandering my cowardice
but in my mind,
lack of incentive

i turned around and saw a great light
from beyond another wall
and made the climb
with shear force until my body bled
against the rough concrete

like a starving panther
i cared nothing for
the failure people had just seen in me
i lusted for what we all lust for
without any pretense

i heard screams from behind me tout with passionate ignorance
'why wasn't what lied across the other wall good enough for you?"
i replied:
"i will never know."
sometimes blind emotion is all that can make us realize what has worth
i stumbled blindly looking for worth until i felt it
this is why many of us would walk blindly on the face of a cliff--
because it made us feel alive somehow

I feel the reasons
but i don't know the reasons

she's beautiful in every way
but if you hold her too long
she burns you